search myself

I remember how friendster and Facebook used to have an 'about me' section. i remember how i used to stare at it and wonder what to write till i finally decide to simply type any random things into it.

i never understood how i could show myself, make people understand and know the kind of person i am through a write up like that. In fact, i never believed that it was possible.

but then, when i started blogging two years ago, i realized that i felt comfortable just writing things that i felt and learnt over the days. i could finally voice out thoughts that weren't easy expressing through words and found out that i was so much more than i thought i was.

much more complicated.
much more immersed in deep thoughts.
and much more flawed in ways that i did not like.

back then, my close friends came to me and told me that they see sides of me that i do not usually show from reading my blog. It made me realize that i might have been only showing them one side of me, without reminding them who i really am inside.

it's not that i turn into a different person when i'm with them, i just did not bother showing them the weaker part of me, the quiet side of me and the concerned thoughts of mine.

i try to swallow a lot of things. i say 'it's okay' all the time. i tend to think it's all my fault when things go wrong. sometimes, i really hate myself for not being perfect, for making people distant away from me.

i spend hours, days, weeks, months thinking about how everything went wrong. then, I turn numb when I start forgetting about how those things once mattered to me. it's like running away from problems until they fade away.

i know that swallowing all these makes me really tired. but i do not want to make a big fuss. at the same time, i do not want to leave it be. i do not know what to do and i do not want to run away this time. However, i want to try my best to be better.

it's only possible because i know that God believes in the small me to change, having His support and strength. Not only that, He sent people to correct me even as they hope for the best in me. they see things that i do not realize myself, be it the good or bad traits of mine. they remind me again and again, that I have something more in me than i have always thought of myself. More importantly, they forgive me for my flaws to love my all..

thank you :)
for being honest all the time.
for believing in me and hopefully will still do, for the days to come.
for a second chance.

I promise, i will try my best.

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