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Monday, July 29, 2013

random random random

It has been a while since I let myself unleash my thoughts. Random thoughts and careful considerations have been going through my mind all day. At one point, it almost seems like I'm forming a nest with my string of thoughts and I'm just sitting on the nest, waiting for my eggs (decisions/conclusions) to hatch. All these sound ridiculous right now but that's what I'm experiencing.

If I put out a weighing balance, on one side are my faith and reasoning, on the other, my emotions, instincts and feelings. At this funny time, my instincts are a little quiet.... I turned from a roaring sea wave into a tiny little stream. (or so I think) Nevertheless, I have never had this much rest for a while now, so I suppose that this rest is good for me. Still, I don't think I'm very used to this rather idle and quiet life. On the other side where my faith and reasonings are, I'm learning new things by reading and praying and it might have never been as good. So although on one hand I would think that my emotions are on the heavier side, I know that I should let faith take charge. It's still a battle and things aren't getting easier. However, there are some good changes that I did not willingly do by my own will, but by God's grace I have done. So, I'm glad to have this vastly overwhelming peace in my heart.

When people talk about relationships and about little things in life that used to bug me so much, I have a clearer view of what I was like and could see that I was like a child who thought I knew better but didn't. Now, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not trying to be better than anyone else or trying to put myself above others. However, I have come to learn to look at relationships differently and less important, I have to admit. So when there are endless talks about relationships and about how they go, I really don't know what to say. Because if I were to say something, I would say that without God's love, I'm not sure how this is going to work. In fact, I feel sad when I see people trying to earn full satisfaction from each other when it's never... possible.

I know that this post is just filled with random things that don't seem to link but do pardon me, this is what my mind is like. (a nest, remember?) So yeah, let's get back to it.

I have also been weighing out the love for things, all kinds of things.

Your looks, your clothes, your reputation, your money, your knowledge etc

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that these are bad things. I'm just saying that if you love them a little too much, it's not good. There's no bad in all these things if your heart doesn't worship them. However, where's the line or boundary that you should stop spending, or stop thinking about them? Honestly, I still don't know. It's almost like these are natural things that people want, and they are not bad at all. I suppose you can ask yourself, if you're not allowed to have a certain something or these things are taken from you, would you be angry, frustrated, sad.. or maybe even to a point of breakdown at extreme cases?

I knew I was indulged in my looks. I'm not the prettiest girl around, nor do I care to be. However, I do like to look good, I really do. It concerns my pride and my confidence. I do not hope that people will be muttering things in their minds while they are talking to me and I find it hard to ignore if I can sense an absence of comfort from the other person. Anyhow, I had to let go. A friend told me that letting go is the key to knowing God's joy for us. The more you hold on to yourself and your own self righteousness, the less righteous you become. It's like the more you hold on to your ball, the less you can score points in a game. You have to let go, and let a bigger being who is far greater than your biggest problem solve it for you. So yes, I did slowly learn to let go, not that I stopped applying the pimple cream on my forehead, I just stopped thinking about it and stopped letting it stop me from being myself because I lost a portion of my confidence. I seriously cannot stop meeting people just because i was ashamed of my pimples, can I?! Also, that's too shallow.

Being really frank here, I have to say, I did feel inferior to others because of the flaring red pimples that were basically uncountable on my forehead. (I know it sounds disgusting but please, I must remember this) Even until now, I still have pimples waiting to heal and scars too clear that some thought that I fell on my forehead. (that's the funniest I have heard haha) The point is, we all have something we are holding on to really tightly and we might be too proud to admit it because we are afraid of judgement. However, if we can't admit it in the first place, I don't think we can ever let go of it as well. Besides, I can't describe the feeling of when I broke out of the shamefulness. It's the best decision I've ever made. We really do not need external things to experience real joy. Plus, we don't have to be ashamed, we all have flaws, and if you are too proud to admit it, everyone already knows your flaw.

So let go of things that you cannot hold on to and hold on to the things that will last forever.....

like... God's unconditional love =)





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